Yaoi Vampire Killers
by sleepy-emo
Summary: While travelling in England Sena Izumi meets students Abby and Jess on a research holiday. Traveling with the girls isn't exactly what Izumi thought it would be and they are ambushed by undead boys that glitter with the sole aim of resurrecting their long fallen leader Izumi and the girls have to take up the calling and become Yaoi Vampire Killers. Written for Druid Star
1. Prologue - A Legend Is Born

**So this is a thing I wrote for Camp to blow off steam from my dissertation. I said that I would write this for my Druid Star back when we lived together two years ago (I'm doing so well). Anyway this is a crossover of Love Stage and the Matthew Horne/James Cordon film Lesbian Vampire Killers and it is every bit a wonderfully stupid as both of these. This is meant in complete parody so if there is anything contained within this story that offends it wasn't meant to. Hope you enjoy, here's a little taste of what's to come.**

Centuries ago, during the dawning of the sparkling red moon, a peaceful hamlet in the east of England was terrorised by a frightening and horrible beast. Born not of woman, but spewed forth from the fieriest pits of Hades that the Devil himself could not contain with an evil fuelled by a love of men. This beast was the Vampire King.

No one could defeat the Vampire King save one man: a young baron who had been away from his home for decades, fighting in the Crusades. Upon his return the baron found that the Vampire King's desires had ensnared that of all the men in the village including his own most trusted friend, turning them all into lovers of the shlong.

Consumed with the idea of vengeance the baron pledged to destroy the Vampire King and reduce the village to ashes so that no one else would have to suffer the same fate as he had. He unearthed the sacred Books of Nakros where he discovered that the only way of slaying the unholy demon once and for all was to forge a sacred sword. This weapon was blessed with an ancient Babylonian hex and infused with the baron's own blood.

Without fear he returned to the village and confronted the Vampire King but before he could strike the fatal blow the Vampire King struck back. He marked the baron, tearing three deep streaks through his flesh just above the baron's heart and laid down a curse most vile.

"As you strike me down so you shall release the evil

within me into you son and the sons of your sons

and they shall not rest until your bloodline has ended!

All will know your breed by these marks above your heart

and when the life's blood of the last of your line

mixes with that who has never known the touch of a woman

I shall rise again, more powerful than you will ever imagine!"

With that the baron took up his sword and lopped his fucking head off.

From that moment on in that village upon his eighteenth birthday even man is turned by the Vampire King's curse and reborn a Yaoi Vampire. Their only salvation is a prophecy that foretells of the day when the last descendent of the baron's bloodline shall return to the hamlet and vanquish the Vampire King's curse forever.

That time, along with our story, has begun...


	2. 1 - Welcome To Cragwich

**So here is the first chapter of actual story. I don't tend to do self insert stuff (although when I have before it's usually involved Abby XD) but as this was written for Abby with us in mind we are here :D hope you enjoy this, it will get dumber**

Izumi took a deep breath as he stepped off the bus. It had been a long ride from the airport and an even longer flight, after being stuck next to a woman who wanted to show him numerous pictures and give him the life story of each of her individual fifteen cats. He had been amazed at just how much this woman could say about cats and when she had realised that he was getting on the same bus as he was she had latched onto him. It had gotten to the point where he needed to escape and had gotten off the bus at the next available stop, grabbing his bag and running off before she had the chance to follow him.

Only problem was he now had no idea where the hell he was. All he could tell from the place so far was that he was in a forest somewhere in England. He had been planning to go and meet Shougo after his concert in London but had decided to fly to England a few days earlier and see the sights. Unfortunately the sights he was seeing at that particular moment were trees, birds and something that looked suspiciously like a severed arm floating down a murky river towards him.

"Well fuck." he muttered to himself as he looked around and found a sign pointing to the nearest village. He had two choices here: one, to wait here for the next bus and hope that he didn't get murdered the the process, or two, wander over to the village find out where the hell he was and hope that he didn't get murdered in the process. He was weighing up the pros and cons for each option when he heard voices coming towards him.

"I've come up with a plan for getting him back." one said.

"What like revenge?" the other asked.

"No getting him back, not "getting him back" getting him back. Just getting him back." the first said and Izumi turned to see two girls, maybe a couple of years older than he was, in hiking gear walking towards him. One had glasses and her hair tied back in a ponytail while the other wore hers in a long braid that reached just under her breasts.

"Right and this master plan involves?"

"Take him on holiday." the one with the glasses said.

"Stop there." the other cut in.

"Why?"

"That's just fucking stupid." The one with the glasses looked downcast.

"I mean on our own." she said.

"Really?" the other asked incredulously. "Like when you went to Falaraki and he dumped you so he could bang that water-ski instructor with the highlights and the star tattoo?"

"He didn't dump me, he was confused." the first said.

"Not confused enough that he couldn't figure out where to put his cock." the other quipped. The first opened her mouth to answer but the two of them had practically reached Izumi and whether or not they had noticed that he was there he decided to take a chance and ask them for directions. If he was sure of one thing it was that they probably weren't going to murder him...he didn't think.

"Excuse me," he called after them as they passed him. Both girls turned round and stared at him. "do either of you have any idea where we are?" The girls looked at each other.

"Sorry love, not a fucking clue." the one with the glasses said.

"Oh," Izumi blanched. "sorry, it's just you seemed to know where you were going so I assumed you lived around here." The one with the glasses snorted.

"Fat chance."

"It's not that bad." the other chided before turning to Izumi. "We're planning on making our way over to the village to find out if you want to come with us."

"That would be great, if you don't mind." Izumi replied.

"Not at all," she said. "My name is Abby, by the way, and this is Jess."

"Hi." Jess said giving Izumi a little wave.

"Hello." he replied returning the wave.

"So how did you end up here?" Jess asked Izumi as the three of them began to continue along the pathway Jess and Abby had been walking. "No offence or anything but you look like a tourist."

"Is that bad?" Izumi asked.

"No," Jess replied. "it's just obvious you're not from round here."

"Oh right." Izumi let out a short nervous laugh. "My brother is playing a concert in London later this week and I thought I'd come over a little earlier and see the sights as I've never been to England before." Jess and Abby shared an incredulous look.

"So you came to East Anglia?" Abby asked as if trying to process that notion in her head by saying it out loud.

"There was a little bit of confusion when I got off the bus involving wanting to escape from an insane woman and her hundreds of cats." Izumi explained.

"That makes a bit more sense." Jess said.

"So how did you two end up here?" he asked.

"Well," Abby began as if about to reel off an epic and exciting tale. "I recently decided to take a change of career and wanted to broaden my horizon and research ancient legends."

"She got fired and is going to write a paper on the legend of the Vampire King so that she can feel validated again." Jess explained. Abby shot her a glare.

"And this one got dumped for... is it the fifth time now?" she asked.

"Shut up." Jess replied. That was clearly a sore subject.

"So yeah this one got dumped and I thought that she could use a distraction," Abby stated. "and, say what you like, but you cannot deny that I am incredibly distracting."

"Some would say annoying." Jess stated.

"That too." Abby nodded.

"That doesn't explain why you agreed to this though." Izumi said.

"Well when she said she was taking me on holiday to cheer me up I assumed that was going to be because she was going to take me somewhere with a gargantuan amount of hot meaty wangs not the arse end of nowhere because she wanted to do research. This is literally one of the most depressingly shit holidays that I have even been on and we've only just started."

"So why did you decide to come along?" Izumi asked.

"It was a great idea." Abby cut in.

"You're a penis!" Jess told her and Abby just grinned. "I only agreed to this because she had a very persuasive argument and I was unbelievably shit-faced at the time."

"As good a reason as any to agree to come to... how do you pronounce the name of this place?" Izumi asked. "Cragwi..."

"Cragwich?" Jess offered.

"It's pronounced," Abby said dramatically, throwing her arms around Jess' and Izumi's shoulders at the same time and pulling them both into a three-way hug. "'Adventure', my friends." There was a pause as both Jess and Izumi looked at her incredulously. Jess removed Abby's arm from around her neck, shaking her head.

"Christ you're a tit."


	3. 2 - You're Welcome To It

**So I'm thinking an every other day update here as the chapters are quite short at the moment, hope you enjoy :D**

"Get that?" Abby asked taking a deep breath as they stopped by the side of the road so Jess could retie her shoes. "The smell of country air – nothing like it."

"It smells like normal air with cow shit in it." Jess stated. Izumi couldn't help but privately agree with her. He had heard many great things about the English countryside but so far had yet to see any of them.

"I'm trying to be positive here." Abby sighed.

"Yes and there's nothing like the pervading stench of faeces to take your mind off your troubles." Jess replied sarcastically.

"Oh come on, it's really not that bad." Abby said. Jess just raised an eyebrow at her as she finished tying her laces. "Although it is bloody hot out here."

"I will agree with you on that." Jess stated. "Did you bring any water Izumi? I'm pretty sure we've got some spare."

"That would be amazing thank you." he replied. In his haste to get off the bus and away from the crazy cat lady Izumi had left the bottle of water that he had bought from the airport behind. He was really regretting it now as it was beginning to get hotter. He had always heard that British weather was rather unpredictable and today was really living up to the expectation. In fact it was the only part of the trip that was so far.

"Have you bought anything with you besides books and vodka?" Jess asked Abby peering into her backpack.

"Yeah," Abby grinned rummaging inside the backpack before pulling out a line of what looked like twenty condoms all attached to each other. Jess and Izumi shared a look.

"Where you expecting a water bomb fight or something?" Jess asked.

"Why would you bring those for a water bomb fight?" Izumi asked. Last time he had checked that was not what those were usually used for.

"She's being sarcastic, don't worry." Abby said. She zipped up her bag as the unmistakeable sound of J-Pop sounded from Jess' back pocket. "You need to change that ring tone."

"Shut it." Jess snapped, pulling her phone out and answering it.

"You two must be pretty close." Izumi said to Abby as Jess began to wander around in an attempt to hear the other person on the end of the phone.

"We are." Abby nodded. "We used to live together a few years ago."

"You must have known each other a long time then?" he asked. Abby nodded. The two of them caught a bit of the conversation that Jess was trying to have with the person on the other end of the line and Abby excused herself to go over to her. Izumi smiled, thinking about his friends back home – one name in particular springing to mind – as he watched Abby tap Jess on the shoulder. Jess covered the speaker and mouthed the name of the person on the other end. Abby nodded before taking the phone and throwing it into the river. Both Jess and Izumi stared at her in horrified shock as they both tried to process what had just happened.

"I can't fucking believe you just did that!" Jess said. She sounded surprisingly calm for someone who had just had their phone thrown into a river but Izumi suspected that the fireworks would be coming.

"Ok, maybe I overreacted a bit I'm sorry." Abby said. "I just didn't want you to make the same mistake again, you can't keep going back to him every time he decides that whatever girl he is currently trying to do isn't working."

"I was going to tell him that it's over and I'm not interested!" Jess yelled. "There was no bloody need to throw my phone in the river."

"Again, I said I overreacted, I didn't realise that was what was happening." Abby said raising her hands in defence. "Anyway what about your master plan for getting him back ?"

"I wasn't actually going to go through with it, it was a stupid idea and I was really bored because I've dragged my arse to some leafy shit-hole that I can't even pronounce so that you can do research for some bullshit legend." Jess was shouting by this point and Izumi could tell this was about to dissolve into a screaming match. Whenever he got into heated arguments with someone he was close to they either seemed to end with them screaming at each other or the argument got even more heated.

"I thought it would be good for you to get away for a bit!" Abby replied. "Besides you agreed to this."

"Again I state that you took advantage of the fact that I was drunk and because I thought you might be taking me somewhere where it might be remotely possible to engage a solitary man in so much as a polite conversation!" Jess said. At this Izumi thought it might be a good idea to say something before they continued shouting at each other and ended up wandering off into the woods in opposite directions.

"Hello." he said softly and gave them both a small wave when they looked in his direction. Both of them seemed to soften and become very embarrassed.

"Sorry," Jess said shaking her head. "just a little bit stressed at the moment."

"It's ok." Izumi smiled. "Shall we carry on to the village?"

"Sure thing." Jess nodded. She turned to shake hands with Abby signalling their truce and the three of them continued along the path. After a while Izumi heard Abby whisper something to Jess.

"Hey what about Izumi?" she asked. "He's quite cute."

"He's quite gay." Jess retorted.

"How do you know?"

"I can just tell these thing." Jess replied. Izumi said nothing. It was probably better that they didn't know he could hear them especially as the path came to an end and they found themselves standing in front of a small, and rather sinister looking pub.

"Oh my god!" Jess muttered as the three of them stared at the ramshackle building. The windows were filthy – so much so that when you were inside it would have been impossible to tell if it was day or night. The bricks on the roof seemed to be falling apart in many places and the sign out the front was hanging on by one hook. "Well this is nice."

"Um is going inside there actually a good idea?" Izumi asked. Jess and Abby looked at each other.

"We should be ok..." Jess replied but she didn't sound too convincing.

"I mean we're only going in to ask them for some direction so we can get a hotel or something." Abby added.

"Yeah this isn't the kind of place where you'd get murdered at all." Jess muttered sarcastically. Izumi's face paled and Abby gave Jess a sharp jab in the ribs and shot a pointed look at Izumi. Jess immediately changed her tune. "We'll be fine don't worry."

"There might be boys here." Abby offered.

"Will there, balls!" Jess retorted. Abby opened her mouth to say something else when all of them heard the door of a van slam. A second later an engine roared to life and a camper van drove past. Inside the van were four very attractive men and Izumi laughed softly as he caught sight of Jess' slack jawed expression.

"Told you." Abby said once the van had driven away and the sound of the engine and the blaring radio could no longer be heard. "Still having second thoughts about going in?"

"A few." Jess replied.

"Same." Izumi added. It seemed highly unlikely that Jess' outlook on this pub was going to change just because a van of attractive men had come flooding out of it.

"Those guys there," Abby sad pointing in the direction the van had gone. "are just the beginning. Small, rural places like this are renowned for breeding the crème de la crème of the male form – it's all the fresh country air. They go for city girls like us – here, we are impressive! I guarantee that this place will be wall to wall with sun-kissed English country boys, like that lot that just drove off, but even hotter. So shall we go?"

"Fine." Jess sighed.

"What have we got to lose." Izumi muttered even though he was still unconvinced.


	4. 3 - Legends And Foul Play

**Having grown up in a small rural English town I will say now that the depiction in this chapter is pretty much totally accurate haha hope you enjoy**

"This is pretty much exactly what I had expected from the outside." Jess said.

"I agree." Izumi said as he looked around the inside of the pub. There were only old men sitting at the dusty tables – five of them with about eight teeth between them – and a sheep running around the dirty floor.

"And the promise of these mythical men?" Jess asked giving Abby a smug look that practically screamed 'I told you so'.

"Don't sweat it." Abby said. "They're probably all off fixing cars without shirts on or working in the fields. By the end of the day this place will be full of ripped sexy men just waiting for us."

"These guys look weird." Izumi stated as one of them looked him up and down. This was not the kind of place two girls and a very girlie looking boy should have come to without some other kind of guard.

"Just relax." Abby said. "We'll be fine." As she said this she locked eyes with one of the old men grinning lecherously at her and the end of her sentence tailed off so that she sounded very unconvincing. Jess rolled her eyes.

"Fine." she said. "I'll sort this out." She made to go for the bar but Izumi grabbed the bottom of her jacket.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" he asked.

"No but I grew up somewhere like this," she explained. "I can handle it." She left to go to the bar.

"Shall we get a table?" Abby took Izumi's hand and lead him over to a free table. Izumi was still sceptical as this looked like the kind of place where you could get hepatitis from just sitting on the furniture but he sat down with Abby anyway. He tried to ignore the stares from the other men; the lecherous grins and the calculations in heads about how much they would feasibly get for each of them. The two of them sat in uncomfortable silence, neither particularly wanting to say anything just in case, until Jess returned with three pints of cider.

"We got them for free." she said. "Compliments of the house apparently."

"Well that's alright then." Abby said taking a sip of hers.

"Yeah," Jess said, elongating the word as she watched Abby closely. "I'm just a bit worried that we're going to get raped."

"Why are you staring at me like that?" Abby asked catching her eye and realising that neither Jess or Izumi had started drinking yet.

"I want to wait and see if you pass out before I start." Jess replied.

"Great..." Abby muttered but continued drinking anyway.

When it became apparent that Abby wasn't going to keel over from drinking some kind of date rape drug Jess and Izumi began to drink as well. They continued to sit in silence, hoping to finish their drinks as quickly as possible so that they could leave as quickly as possible. Suddenly the door burst open and in marched a man in long black robes and a white collar, a crucifix hanging around his neck. Behind him was a well dressed looking boy who looked as if he was about the same age as Izumi. The man strode up to the bar and slammed his hands down on in angrily.

"So how many more, Tom?" he hissed at the barman. "How many more?"

"Don't you be all high and mighty with me, Vicar..." the barman began.

"We have to stop this madness!" the Vicar shouted. As this was going on the boy turned to smile politely at Izumi, Abby and Jess. He was quite attractive, in an adorable sort of way, and was very neat – exactly what one would expect a Vicar's son to look like.

"Do you reckon that's his son? Izumi asked.

"If not that is one dirty Vicar." Abby stated.

"Preach." Jess replied and the two of them high-fived each other without taking their eyes off the conversation in front of them.

"We can't let any more innocent people die!" the Vicar said.

"Beg pardon?" Abby asked quietly so that only Izumi and Jess would hear.

"Then what?" the barman asked. "Then they'll come for us."

"Don't you see that they have us already?" the Vicar asked. "Our boys are cursed and we are the spineless fools who let it happen."

"Listen Vicar," the barman said. "I know it's hard, what with your Richard turning eighteen and everything..."

"Together we can stop this Tom." the Vicar implored. "You know we can. You are either with me or you're against me."

"Well this is getting weird." Jess muttered taking another sip of cider.

"Who is with me?" the Vicar asked turning to the room at large. No one moved or said anything. He looked around in what seemed to be despair until his eyes fell on Izumi. "No it can't be..." he muttered. He marched over to the table they were sitting at and grabbed Izumi by the collar pulling him to his feet.

"Hey!" Jess and Abby protested, getting to their feet, ready to jump to Izumi's rescue.

"No that's impossible..." the Vicar said studying Izumi's face. "It can't be you. What is your name?"

"Sena Izumi..." Izumi managed to choke out. This was getting incredibly strange and uncomfortable and everyone was staring (not that they hadn't been already) and Izumi could feel himself beginning to panic.

"Oh my..." the Vicar breathed, entranced.

"That's enough Father!" the barman shouted.

"Dad please..." Richard began, placing his hand on the Vicar's shoulder. This seemed too snap the Vicar back to reality. He let go of Izumi's collar and straightened his own clothing. He turned to Richard.

"Come child." he said and stalked out of the pub with Richard following close at his heels. A bubble of chatter began to rise and Izumi let out the breath he had been holding, sinking back into the chair.

"What the hell was that all about?" Jess asked. "Does he know you?"

"Have you been hanging out with vicars?" Abby asked.

"Never seen him before in my life..." Izumi replied. At that moment the barman came over with another three pints of cider.

"Sorry about that." he said as he put the pints down on the table. "Have these, on the house again, no hard feelings, eh?"

"Thanks." Izumi said politely.

"Sorry about the Vicar, he's a strange sort." the barman said. Izumi caught Jess and Abbey's eyes – so far everyone they had met were 'strange sorts' but it would be rude to point that out and might also result in them being beaten to death by deranged country men.

"It's fine." he replied.

"Say, if you lot want a bed for the night there be a cottage, not two miles down the road from here." the barman told them.

"Great." Izumi smiled feeling relieved. He had been worried that they were going to have to sleep here.

"How much is it?" Jess asked.

"See we're a little bit light on the old money." Abby said sheepishly.

"Oh don't you worry about that!" the barman waved them off. "it don't cost nothing. The door is always open and any weary traveller can expect a nice, long rest."

"You, sir, are a scholar and a gentleman." Jess beamed.

"Yeah if there's one thing I like more than free booze it's a free bed." Abby agreed.

"Thank you very much." Izumi replied inclining his head in a small bow.

"Might be a bit of a tight squeeze, though." the barman said. "I sent some rather nice looking young lads down there not too long ago."

"Now that," Abby grinned. "is what I like to hear."


	5. 4 - Cabin Party In The Woods

**Let's play 'Guess the Cameos' :D on a mildly related note I was very happy to find out there is going to be a third series of Junjou Romantica 3 anyway hope you enjoy**

Despite the head start that they had had it wasn't long before Izumi, Abby and Jess caught up to the van of boys that had driven passed them just as they had arrived at the pub. When they reached them they had the bonnet of the car open and there appeared to be smoke coming out of the engine while one of them stared at it, looking completely clueless as to what to do.

"Van problems lads?" Jess called as they reached them. The one with his head under the bonnet looked up.

"A few." he said although judging by the smoke still pouring out of it that was probably an understatement.

"Want me to have a look?" she asked.

"You know anything about van engines?"

"Do you?" she grinned at him.

"Be my guest." he said and moved out of the way. Jess stuck her head into the bonnet of the car and began fiddling around with things.

"Thank you for stopping to help." the one who had been under the bonnet said. "I have been staring at that for almost half an hour now and had no idea how I was going to fix it." Abby grinned at him.

"Always willing to help out if we can." she said. By this point the other men who had been riding in the van with him had come over to meet their saviours. When the four of them stood together Izumi thought it was almost like something out of a shojou manga. He couldn't deny that they were all rather good looking, and judging by the way Abby's jaw dropped, he guessed that she thought so too.

"My name is Masamune," the one who had been looking at the car engine said. He was quite tall with dark hair and broad shoulders and Izumi could practically see Abby sizing up his muscles as she stared at him. "and these are my friends Ritsu, Akihiko and Misaki." He introduced each one of them in turn.

Both Ritsu and Misaki were small with dark hair and it was obvious that Misaki was the youngest out of all of them and was probably only a few years older than Izumi was. Akihiko was the same height as Masamune but his hair was a lot lighter and Izumi expected that he probably died it to give himself more of a mysterious look.

"Can have have the names of our saviours?" Akihiko asked. Abby blushed and giggled girlishly.

"I'm Abby," she said. "and that's Jess under the bonnet."

"Nearly done." Jess called back.

"And this is Izumi," she added putting her arm around his shoulders and pulling him closer to the rest of them. "we met him just this afternoon as well."

"Hello." Izumi bowed shyly.

"So what are four lovely lads, such as yourselves, doing out here on a night like this?" Abby asked.

"We are from Japan." Misaki said.

"On a tour of the lesser known spots of England." Ritsu added.

"For research." Misaki finished.

"Well you don't get much lesser known that Cragwich." Abby grinned. "What kind of research are you doing."

"I am a novelist." Akihiko stated. "and Masamune is my editor."

"We're on our way to a cottage the barman from the pub suggested."

"There's an uncanny stroke of luck!" Abby exclaimed as if she was greatly surprised by this turn of events. "We're making our way to the exact same cottage!"

"Well," Masamune said. "if your friend can get the van working again would you like to ride down with us." That sounded like a brilliant idea. It was beginning to get dark as well and Izumi didn't fancy the prospect of not getting to this cottage by nightfall. He thought he'd rather take his chances back at the pub of potential date-rape than try his luck sending a night out in the woods no matter how many other people he was with.

"Right," Jess exclaimed suddenly, closing the bonnet. "I think I'm done, give it a try." Masamune hopped back into the van and turned the key. The engine roared to life and Jess grinned proudly.

"What did you do to make it work?" Izumi asked.

"I have no idea." she replied still grinning widely so as not to let it show. "So what did I miss?"

"These lovely, lovely guys are going to give us a ride to the cottage as we all just so happened to be staying there tonight." Abby said. Jess took a good look at the four of them for the first time.

"Well that is a stroke of luck..."

After Jess had managed to get the van working again they all piled into it and within no time at all they were at the cottage the barman had told them about. Izumi imagined that, by day, it was one of those quaint little cottages that people tend to associate with the rural English countryside, even if by night it did have a little more of a sinister look to it. It also seemed very out in the middle of nowhere, but again Izumi assumed that that was the appeal when it was originally built. When they finally entered it was a lot larger inside than the outside would have had them believe.

"This place is amazing!" Abby exclaimed, looking around in awe.

"If a little creepy on the outside." Izumi pointed out.

"True but when you have an inside as nice as this do you really need to go outside?" Abby asked as she and Izumi made their way into the huge living room. The others were already either unpacking their things or exploring the rest of the house.

"Oh my god!" Misaki exclaimed from the kitchen.

"What?" Ritu called out worriedly.

"The fridge has already been stocked with beer!" he cried back happily coming into the living room holding as many bottles as he could carry.

"I think we should put on some music and have a party." Akihiko stated taking one of the beers from him and opening it with his teeth.

"Good idea." Masamune said. He pulled a small portable CD player out of his bag, plugged it in and turned it on. The sound of J-Pop began to blast through the entire house. Jess grabbed three bottles and brought them over to where Abby and Izumi were standing, grinning like a loon.

"When in Rome..." she said handing each of them a bottle before turning to watch the other four.

"So which one do you have your eye on?" Abby asked.

"None of them," Jess replied. "they're all incredibly gay."

"How do you know this?" Abby replied.

"I'm very good at picking up the signs." Jess stated. She signalled to where Ritsu and Masamune had started dancing, although it was less like dancing in the sense that Izumi was thinking and more like grinding, Masamune's hand cupping the back of Ritu's head. Over in the other corner Akihiko was whispering something to Misaki that was making him blush furiously. It wasn't exactly as if the signs were hard to pick up.

"They could just be really good friends?" Abby offered.

"I doubt it." Jess replied.

"So much for getting you a hot guy." Abby sighed.

"Are you kidding?" Jess said. "I'm going to be over in the corner watching and this might turn out to be the best night of my entire fucking life! Excuse me." She left Abby and Izumi where they stood and went to make herself comfortable on one of the chairs where she could observe everything going on in the living room.

Never having been one for dancing or loud parties Izumi turned to look at a painting on the wall behind him. It was of the silhouette of a man – tall and slender – bathed in a halo of light and rising from some kind of tomb while silhouettes of other men bowed down to him. There was a small plaque at the bottom of the picture.

"'The resurrection of the Vampire King'." he read out quietly to himself.

"Have you heard of the legend of the Vampire King?" Abby asked turning to look at the picture too.

"No. Who is that?" Izumi asked.

"The Vampire King is sort of the reason why I'm here." Abby stated.

"How so?"

"I study mythology and this village is home to the of the legend of the Vampire King." she said.

"Yeah but there are so many legends about Vampire Kings," Izumi pointed out. "What makes this one particularly special?"

"According to legend, he is so much more that your average Vampire King. The legend says he is two thousand years old and just hearing the sound of his name is enough to make the bravest of men either shrink with fear or quiver with desire." she told him. "Some of the books at my University tell the story of what he did to this village and the curse he placed upon the sons of the villagers and I want to find out if there is any truth to it at all."

"We're going to go for a quick walk around the cottage," Masamune stated suddenly taking Ritsu's hand and pulling him towards the door.

"Good idea, we're going to go upstairs and have a look at the bedrooms." Akihiko agreed, grabbing Misaki's hand and leading him towards the stairs. Once all four of them had left Jess shot a pointed look at both Abby and Izumi.

"Subtle."


	6. 5 - Something Is Happening

**So this is the product of an entire day doing Dissertation research holed up in the corner of my living room and a desperate need to blow off some steam, this is kind of a bit of filler but I hope you enjoy anyway :D**

"They've been gone for ages," Abby said after about ten minutes. "do you think we should go and look for them."

"Nope." Jess replied.

"Why not?"

"They're probably fucking." No sooner were the words out of Jess's mouth when soft moaning could be heard from the floor above them.

"How do you do that?" Abby asked.

"It's a gift." Jess grinned, shrugging. Suddenly the lights snapped off.

"What the..." Izumi began but was cut off by a blood curdling scream sounding from upstairs. The three of them could just about make each other out in the dim moonlight coming through the curtains and they all looked at each other before scrambling to their feet and running up the stairs as fast as they could. They looked in each of the rooms before they came to the only one with a closed door. Abby pushed the door as hard as she could.

"Shit it's locked!"

"Ok," Jess said backing up a few paces. "Stand back." She ran at the door, slamming her entire weight into it to try and break it down. Nothing happened and she clutched her shoulder in pain after the impact. "Damn that thing is rock solid." Izumi took hold of the handle and pulled the door open.

"Try pulling it?" he offered.

"Or we could try that." Jess agreed. Abby shook her head.

"You're a twat." she stated.

"Shut up." Jess replied.

"Look!" Izumi exclaimed pointing inside the bedroom. Jess and Abby looked over his shoulder at what he was pointing at. The bedroom looked exactly how it would have done had two lovers been having a particularly amorous tryst in it apart from the fact that there was blood splattered all over the bed sheets.

"Where the hell have they gone?" Abby asked realising that there was no sign of Misaki or Akihiko at all. Suddenly another scream sounded from outside the cottage making all three of them jump. "Oh my god what was that?"

"I don't know," Izumi replied. "but let's go find out."

"Is he serious?" Jess asked clutching Abby's arm. She shrugged.

"I guess we have to do something, don't we?" It was more of a question than a statement as if Abby wasn't totally sold on the idea either.

"I don't know," Jess said shaking her head. "this is all getting a bit weird isn't it. Men missing, bedsheets covered in blood."

"It's more of a splat than anything." Abby interjected.

"Because that makes it alright then." Jess replied sarcastically shaking her head. "Now listen we heard them both in here and now they are both not in here. You have to admit that that is very fucking weird."

"Agreed but we really do have to go and find Akihiko and Misaki." Abby stated. Jess grimaced. "You like them both don't you?"

"Not that much." Jess replied.

"That's weak."

"I've only just met them."

"We should go and look outside." Izumi stated.

"Do we have to?" Jess asked. She really wasn't convinced about this. Izumi grabbed her hand and grabbed Abby's hand as well and began to pull them both out of the bedroom, down the stairs and out of the cottage, both of them resisting heavily. Despite the darkness outside Izumi was feeling much braver than he thought he would have been in this situation. Probably because both of the girls seemed so reluctant to do anything and the only other people that he had met on this venture had disappeared. He didn't really feel like sitting around and waiting to see if he would be the one to disappear next.

Between the three of they managed to search the entire grounds of the cottage but found no sign of Misaki and Akihiko. It seemed as if Masamune and Ritsu had disappeared as well. Once the three of them reconvened outside the cottage's front door Jess clapped her hands and rubbed them together.

"So shall we head back inside?" she asked trying to sound cheerful. "I can put the kettle on and make a cup of tea."

"Where are they then?" Izumi asked.

"See there's no one out here, shall we go back inside?" Jess said still forcing herself to sound cheerful but it was sounding more hollow by the minute.

"They've probably just gone for a walk or something." Abby said.

"Or something..." Izumi replied with a raised eyebrow.

"Let's just go back inside." Abby said. "Before anything else happens."

"I'm pretty sure there's still some beers in the fridge." Jess said. Izumi shook his head. They were right. There was probably a perfectly logical explanation to all of this and there was nothing that any of them could do about it so going back inside was probably the best option for them and hopefully the lights would come back on soon. Just as they were about to go back into the house Izumi felt a chill run up his spine and a soft voice whispering his name on the wind.

"Izumi..." the voice called. All three of them stopped and turned to stare at each other.

"Did anyone else here that?" he asked.

"No." Abby shook her head.

"Izumi..." the voice called again.

"Ok now that I heard." Abby said.

"Me too." Jess added.

"Izumi..." the voice called again. Izumi felt himself breaking out into a cold sweat and the hair on the back of his neck was standing up on end.

"It's coming from over there." he said looking out towards the dark forest that surrounded them.

"Look," Jess said leaning in close to speak into Izumi's ear. "I know something really bad is happening here but is there any chance that we can just ignore it?"


	7. 6 - Undead Pretty Boys

**OMG sparkling vampires what the actual hell that never happens in literature... oh wait... (haha like this can be classed as literature) anyway hope you enjoy, I certainly am :D**

A loud, heated moan pierced the darkness that surrounded the cottage. Jess, Abby and Izumi all turned to stare in the direction of the moaning. There was no one there and it seemed to be coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once so the three of them began to huddle together in an attempt to feel safer. The moaning began to increase, followed by the sounds of heavy breathing and panting.

"Oh my god!" Izumi cried, cowering closer and closer to the girls.

"What the fuck is going on?" Jess screamed.

"I don't know!" Abby replied in kind. The moaning had reached a frenzied pitch so that it was almost deafening in the small clearing around the cottage. Then without warning the moaning suddenly stopped and a number of very pale, very attractive, very shiny men began to advance out of the forest towards them. Some of the men were fawning all over each other, exchanging touches, glances and chaste kisses.

"It's impossible." Abby said, her jaw slackening as she realised what was happening, just who it was they had come face to face with. "It can't be..."

"What?" Izumi asked.

"Vampires." Abby replied.

"Vampires?" Izumi asked again, not quite able to believe it himself.

"Yaoi Vampires!" Abby stated.

"Nice one." Jess grinned nodding in approval.

"Hang on!" Izumi exclaimed squinting towards the back of the group of men. Standing at the very back was someone who looked familiar – tall with lighter hair than he probably should have. "That's Akihiko!" he exclaimed pointing towards him.

"God damn it, he's right!" Jess exclaimed.

"So what do we do?" Izumi asked.

"You join us!" Akihiko smirked, staring directly at Izumi.

"What?" Izumi blanched. With no other warning Akihiko's expression darkened, he roared like some kind of demon and lunged at Izumi, knocking him to the floor.

"Fucking hell!" Jess shouted, jumping backwards into the door or the cottage.

"He's too strong!" Izumi cried trying desperately to push Akihiko off him. Sharp teeth were inches away from his neck and Izumi was doing everything he could to keep them from sinking into his flesh but Akihiko was much larger than he was. He would have been stronger than Izumi beforehand but now that he had been turned into a vampire he seemed to have an even greater strength than he did. Izumi had always heard about the legends of vampire and the powers that they were supposed to posses but this was the first time he had ever experienced it first hand.

"Oh god what to we do?!" Jess cried. She seemed to be too stunned to do anything but stand there and watch, still processing that this was actually happening and that vampires were attacking them.

"Help me!" Izumi cried. Keeping Akihiko off was getting harder and harder and Izumi didn't think that he could hold out for much longer.

"Move him to the left and you hold still!" Abby cried over the sound of the vampires roaring.

"Why?" Izumi shouted.

"Just do it!" Abby yelled. Izumi pushed as hard as he could, using every ounce of strength that he could muster and pushed Akihiko so that his head was now over Izumi's left shoulder. He looked up to see Abby standing next to them both, an axe in her hands raised high above her head. Izumi closed his eyes tightly as he saw her begin to bring it down, waiting for something to go horribly wrong.

The thud of the axe sounded next to his head and he felt the entire weight of Akihiko fall on top of him and stop moving completely. He waited before slowly cracking his eyes open to see what had happened. He slowly turned his head to see Akihiko's head lying a few feet away from him, staring at him with lifeless eyes and slack mouth. Izumi started and tried to scramble out from underneath the body pressing on top of him. He managed to wriggle out relatively quickly with Jess and Abby's help. They pulled him to his feet.

"Not so strong now is he?" Abby grinned. The three of them looked at each other and then at the body lying on the floor beneath them and began to laugh, like this was the most normal thing in the world. Their laughter suddenly turned to screaming when Akihiko's lifeless body began to twitch and spasm violently while the sound of deep, male moaning filled the air again. The three of them huddled against each other, still screaming, Abby brandishing the axe, and staring at the body on the floor as the moaning got louder and louder.

Suddenly the moaning and Akihiko stopped shaking before his body exploded in fountain of thick, white, glittery liquid. As Izumi, Jess and Abby stared it looked as if a jet of glittery semen shot out of Akihiko's body and into the sky before cascading down to the floor again and leaving nothing behind.

"Rank!" Jess scoffed with disgust.

"Is that it?" Izumi asked, a little disappointed.

"Was the jizz cannon not enough for you?" Jess asked.

"Well it's just..." Izumi struggled to find the right words. "No explosion or turning into burning ash or nothing? No?"

"Well frankly I'm a bit disappointed too." Jess agreed. Izumi thought that there was a good chance she was being sarcastic but he couldn't be sure. "To be honest I'm just glad he's dead – I can hold out for the fireworks."

"I can't believe the legends are true." Abby said shaking her head as she stared at the ground where Akihiko had been only moments before. "This is insane I mean here I am trying to study legends and I actually walk into a living one that is happening right here in front of me."

"Your parents will be very proud." Jess told her.

"So we killed this one, what happens now?" Izumi asked.

"Izumi..." the whispering voice called again.

"Oh crap." he muttered as the vampires surrounding the cottage began to creep closer to them. As he scanned them he saw both Masamune and Ritsu among them. So that is where they had disappeared to.

"Join us!" the vampires chorused. "Join us!"

"I think they want you to say something." Jess muttered to Izumi as the vampires continued to implore him to join them.

"No." Izumi stated firmly. The vampires snarled and lunged for the three of them.

"I don't think they wanted you to say that." Jess said. Izumi raised an eyebrow at her.

"Really?" he asked incredulously.

"Fuck this!" Abby screamed. "Run you bell-ends!" They ran back towards the door of the cottage, screaming as they did so. Abby reached the door first, running through it "Come on you silly fuckers!" she shouted gesturing for them to hurry up. Just as Izumi was about to run through the door Masamune appeared in front of it, blocking his path.

"Now you will join us." he hissed baring his fangs.

"Duck!" Jess shouted from behind him. Izumi turned round to see her pick up a crowbar from near the van they had arrived in and, running towards Masamune, swung it. The crowbar connected with Masamune's head and it went flying from his shoulders. "Get in!" she shouted pumping her fist in the air. Masamune's body fell to the floor and exploded in the same fashion as Akihiko's – in glittery semen.

"I'm never going to get used to that." Izumi stated.

"Oh my god, did you see that?" Jess cried excitedly. "That might be the coolest thing I've done in my entire fucking life!"

"That was pretty cool." Izumi agreed.

"I mean I've always been pretty good at cricket." Jess said swinging the crowbar as if she was an expert sportswoman. "Maybe it's my guns."

"Jess..." Abby began.

"Yeah?"

"Please shut up."

"Sorry," Jess replied. "I'm just nervous."


	8. 7 - Death At The Door

**Slightly longer chapter today but still full of all the silliness, hope y'all enjoy**

"Oh my god!" Abby said trying to catch her breath once the three of them had entered the cottage and they had locked and bolted the door behind them. "This is so fucked up!"

"They could have eaten us alive..." Izumi added. He was trying to process what was happening – this had not been part of the plan when he had said that he would come to England to see Shougo in concert. Being chased by vampires who were hell bent on turning him into a vampire as well wasn't what he had expected when he had gotten off the plane.

"Where did they go?" Jess asked looking out of the window, trying desperately to catch a glimpse of them and make herself feel better. Without warning a vampire appeared, hissing and baring its fangs, at the window making them all jump and scream. Jess fell to the floor in an attempt to get away from the window.

"Before sunrise you will all belong to us." the vampire told them before disappearing into the night again.

"Shit, shit shit!" Abby muttered as she began to pace the living room.

"What are we going to do?" Izumi asked.

"I think we're going to die horribly." Jess replied not moving from her place on the floor.

"For Christ sake!" Abby exclaimed. "You're not helping."

"Not trying to." Jess replied.

"We need to get out of here." Izumi stated.

"Good plan." Jess agreed.

"Yes," Abby nodded. "but how?" Izumi thought for a moment. They sure as hell couldn't get out of there the way that they originally got in. The vampires weren't exactly likely to let them walk out the front door. Then again they hadn't walked all the way here...

"I've got it!" he exclaimed. "The van."

"Good plan." Jess agreed. "Great plan."

"Genius." Abby grinned. "Let's do it." As Izumi helped Jess to her feet they heard a clattering from outside and the scrapping of metal against metal. The three of them went to the window and, to their horror, saw the vampires ripping the van apart.

"Well it was a good plan." Jess said. "What do we do now?"

"Just like the legends all say." Abby stated. She went over to the other side of the room and grabbed a wooden chair. She turned it upside down and began to break off three of the legs. Once she was finished she tossed one each over to Izumi and Jess. Izumi's clattered to the floor when he failed to catch it and he scrambled to pick it up. "Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes. Arm ourself with anything sharp that we can plunge through their hearts.

"Again great idea, like it." Jess said studying the tip of the stake Abby had just thrown her. "Plunging sharp objects; let's fucking have it."

"Yes!" Izumi exclaimed, grabbing his stake. "Let's go!" Izumi grabbed the door handle, feeling much braver than he thought he would in a situation like this, but stopped when he heard a loud pounding on the door. He turned to look at Jess and Abby, they both looked as nervous as he felt.

"Don't open the door." Abby muttered.

"Hello!" a half familiar voice called.

"Hello?" Izumi called back, still not making any move to open the door.

"Hello," the voice said again. "it's me, Misaki, someone is chasing me. Please let me in." The three of them looked at each other, weighing up the pros and cons before Izumi unlocked the door and opened it.

"Hurry," he said. "get in." Mizaki ran in and as soon as he was inside Izumi slammed the door closed again.

"What is going on here?" Mizaki asked. "Where are the others?" Abby, Izumi and Jess looked at each other not sure how to respond to that particular question.

"Vampires." Abby said finally. It was almost an answer to both questions.

"Vampires?" Misaki asked.

"Yaoi vampires." Jess stated.

"How ridiculous." Misaki sniffed.

"Nope," Abby replied shaking her head. "just another of God's cruel tricks to get on my tits. Even dead men would sooner sleep with each other than sleep with me. Eating me alive though? No that's fine!"

"Next time he'll have one of us getting bummed by a big gay werewolf." Jess added. Misaki shook his head as he processed what he was being told.

"I think I need to sit down." Miskai said collapsing into one of the chairs that Abby hadn't destroyed.

"Good idea." Abby said sarcastically. "We can just wait for them to come and kill us."

"I'm fed up with waiting!" Izumi exclaimed suddenly. "I've been waiting too long for things my entire life! Waiting for something to happen and waiting to take things to the next level with someone that I really, really like and now, because I've waited for so long, I'm probably going to die a virgin tonight!"

"You're a virgin?" Jess asked.

"Yeah." Izumi said suddenly regretting his outburst.

"We should probably try and keep you safe then." Abby said.

"Why?"

"Because if there's some kind of hellish ritual they always pick the virgins to go first." Jess stated.

"This is true." Izumi agreed.

"My master will be very happy with this turn of events." Misaki said from the chair. The three of them turned to stare at him. He was grinning manically and looking hungrily at Izumi.

"Come again?" Jess asked after a pause.

"My master will be very pleased that we have a sacrificial virgin to give to our king."

"Fucking really?" Abby asked. Jess just pointed at Misaki triumphantly.

"Called it!" she exclaimed. She then paused to think about the implication of this. "Wait what?" Before any of them could react Misaki jumped out of the chair and lunged himself at Abby, knocking down and pinning her to the floor. Abby tried to fight him off the same way that Izumi had but he knew from experience that Misaki would be incredibly strong despite the fact that he was quite short.

"Can one of you give me a hand please?" Abby asked as she tried to keep Misaki from sinking his teeth into her neck. Izumi grasped the steak he was still holding and plunged it, as hard as he could, into Misaki's back just where he hoped his heart was. He had hit his target right on the mark and Misaki stopped moving and fell forwards on top of Abby. She pushed him off, scrambling to her feet seconds before he exploded into a fountain of glittery semen.

"Are you ok?" Izumi asked, placing a hand on Abby's arm. She nodded.

"I think so." she said. "Thank you for saving my life."

"You saved mine." Izumi replied. "Only right that I return the favour." He smiled at her and she smiled back both of them just staring at each other.

"Well it looks like they're gone." Jess said bringing them both back to reality. Izumi cleared his throat.

"I'm going to go and make sure the back doors are locked, just in case." he said.

"Probably a good idea." Abby agreed trying to sound natural and going to stand next to Jess by the window.

"What was that all about?" she asked. Abby bit her lip and cast a glance over her shoulder at Izumi as he went to go and check the back doors and windows.

"I don't know," she said. "but I think I quite like him and I think he might like me too."

"Well you know what they say about extreme situations." Jess stated. "And this, as I keep pointing out, my friend, is an extreme fucking situation."

"So do you think I should make a move?" Abby asked.

"Oh hell no." Jess replied shaking her head.

"Why not?"

"Three reasons." she stated. "One: this could well be just the threat of potential and horrible death from undead pretty boys talking. Two: I'm pretty sure you are a good seven years older than he is and three: he is hella fucking gay."

"How do you know?" Abby asked, irritated.

"I just know these things." Jess replied. "I'm going to go and check that there aren't any windows upstairs that have been left open."

"Good plan." Izumi stated as he returned. "Everything is locked out the back so we should be fine."

"Cool!" Jess called down from half way up the stairs.

"Did you remember to lock the door?" Abby asked suddenly.

"Um..." Izumi hedged. At that point the door burst open and a number of the vampires from before were pressing themselves up against the windows, looking menacing. Standing in the doorway however was a well dressed man in a suit with glasses.

"Rei?" Izumi asked when he recognised the man.

"So nice to see you out here Izumi," the man smirked. "I really wasn't expecting you but as you are here I think that it's high time you join us."

"Wait!" Izumi cried. "You're a vampire."

"That is correct." Rei smirked and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Now you will join us!"

"I already said no!" Izumi shouted. Rei and the other vampires hissed, roared and lunged themselves at the cottage.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god!" Abby cried in alarm.

"Why aren't they coming in?" Izumi asked, confused. "Misaki just walked in."

"That was because you invited him." Abby stated trying not to sound too freaked out by the vampires still straining to get into the cottage, despite the fact that she knew they wouldn't be able to. "They have to be invited in before they can come in."

"Oh!" Izumi exclaimed. "That's alright then so all we have to do is sit tight here until morning. I mean these guys can't go out in the sunlight can they?"

"Shouldn't be able to." Abby stated.

"Good," Izumi said. "we'll just sit here until they go away."

"Yeah," Abby replied. "I mean it's not like we're going to say "Hey, yaoi vampires, please come into my cottage", is it? Oh shit!" As soon as the words were out of her mouth she realised what she had just done and regretted it. "Seriously? I was being ironic!"

"I don't think it works like that." Izumi said as the vampires began to surround them.

"Izumi..." they chanted.

"They know my name." he cried.

"This is not a good sign!"

"Take them both." Rei said smirking down at them.

"Help! Jess!" Abby screamed as the vampires grabbed hold of both Abby and Izumi and dragged them out of the cottage and into the night.


	9. 8 - The Power Of Faith

**Let's say today is all about me :D horray for stupidity I hope you all enjoy**

Jess could have sworn that she heard someone calling her name for a second but when she heard nothing afterwards she shook her head and dismissed it – probably just the wind or something. She had checked all of the windows and was now in the process of staring at herself in the cracked mirror above the bathroom sink. She looked tired, grubby and she was pretty sure that she had some of the sparkling jizz in her hair. She ran one of the taps until clear, hot water began to run from it and splashed some on her face.

She continued to wash some of the grim off herself but she couldn't shake off the feeling that she was being watched. She looked up into the mirror again and, seeing no one there, continued to wash. The feeling began to grow stronger though and she looked up again. She jumped as she saw the Vicar from earlier in the pub lunging towards her with a stake in his hand.

"Holy shit!" she cried and turned to face him. Although as she turned she wasn't facing him; she was face to face with Ritu with his fangs bared, ready to sink them into her neck. "Holy shit!" she cried again.

"Don't let him bite you." the Vicar told her as she grabbed hold of Ritsu and tried her best to keep him from attacking her.

"Funnily enough that was on the top of my list!" she shouted over his roaring. As she struggled she saw the Vicar run into the corner of the room and turn on the shower.

"Get him into the shower." he told her.

"What good is that going to do?" she asked.

"Just do it!" the Vicar shouted.

"Alright!" Jess shouted back and, using every ounce of strength that she had, pushed Ritsu over to the shower. As soon as he was under the water she heard the Vicar chanting behind her.

"Out Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven..." he said reciting the Lord's prayer and pointing a crucifix at the shower. Ritsu began to struggle even harder and Jess could see smoke beginning to radiate off of him.

"What the..." she began, slackening her grip slightly. As she did Ritsu lunged out of the water, snarling and snapping, desperate to get away from it.

"Push him back!" the Vicar shouted. "He must stay underwater. Keep him under! Take this." He handed Jess the crucifix and pulled another one out from inside his robes.

"Ok!" Jess shouted back over the noise holding the crucifix against Ritsu's chest. More smoke began to radiate off him and he began to thrash harder. "Oh my god!"

"Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us out trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil."

"Jesus compels you!" Jess shouted closing her eyes and not wanting to watch the result.

"For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory..."

"Jesus Christ Superstar..." Jess began singing.

"You're not helping!" the Vicar shouted.

"I'm sorry!" Jess shouted back. "I'm panicking."

"Forever and ever. Amen!" As the Vicar finished his prayer Ritsu finally stopped trying to escape but began to shake violently until he exploded into glittering semen that was washed away by the water. Once he was gone Jess sank to the floor.

"Oh my god!" she panted. The Vicar reached over her and turned off the shower.

"We need to go quickly." he told her. "Your friends have already been taken."

"Ah shite." Jess replied still not moving from the floor.

"There's no time to waste." the Vicar pressed. "Let's go!"

"Hang on." Jess said getting to her feet. "How did you know all this was happening?"

"You and your friends were sent here as sacrifices." the Vicar told her. "It is an age-old deal, where the villagers supply fresh blood to the vampires and in return they get to keep their cowardly hides."

"So we were just a light buffet for a bunch of hot gays?" she asked.

"To my shame, yes." the Vicar replied bowing his head. "Your friend's arrival in our hamlet is no coincidence. It is divine intervention fulfilling a primordial prophecy."

"Balls is it!"

"Does he bear a birthmark?" the Vicar asked. "Five red scratches just above his heart."

"I don't know." Jess replied. "I only met him this afternoon!"

"If he does then his bloodline is the key to the resurrection of the purest evil known to mankind: the Vampire King." the Vicar said.

"Beg pardon?"

"Paradoxically the only thing that can lift this village from a centuries old curse that turns every man on his eighteenth birthday into a vampire." the Vicar said.

"Hang on, how does that work?" Jess asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean if every man in this village is supposed to turn into a yaoi vampire as soon as he turns eighteen why weren't you affected? Or those guys in the pub? In fact why hasn't the population of this village just died? Why didn't you all just move?" she asked.

"Well... I... um... I..." the Vicar spluttered. "It just works ok."

"Whatever you say mate." Jess replied rolling her eyes.

"My son, Richard, becomes eighteen within hours," the Vicar said. "we need to do something."

"Right look; I know you mean well." Jess said as she slowly began to back away from the Vicar. "I really do and I love the whole exorcist vibe you've got going on. You look amazing but I've seen weird shit, and even under the circumstances this is a stretch. You can't seriously be telling me that Izumi is the Messiah for a tiny country village in England – he's Japanese."

"I understand your confusion..." the Vicar began.

"I really don't think you do." Jess replied shaking her head.

"Let's be on our way. We need to go." the Vicar stated making to head for the door.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." Jess put out her arm to stop him in his tracks. "Go where?"

"Back to the village." the Vicar told her. "There is no time to waste."

"Fuck that noise!" Jess scoffed.

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm not going back out there!" she stated. "I've nearly been eaten three times by some of the hottest men I have ever met in my life. It's starting to become a bind."

"But it's not too late to save your friends, this village, the entire world." the Vicar implored.

"Yeah well, you know, best of luck with it." Jess shrugged. She clapped the Vicar on the shoulder. "Hope you get on alright."

"Are you fucking with me?" the Vicar asked. Jess stared at him, open mouthed.

"Are you allowed to swear?"

"Shut up." the Vicar snapped. "Are you telling me you'd let eternal darkness sweep over this entire planet and leave your friends to die."

"You know I only really know Abby; I just met the lad this afternoon." Jess shrugged. "So..."

"Ok stay here and die then." the Vicar stated.

"Say what now?"

"Your friends already invited the vampires in." he explained. "This is not a safe haven for you any longer."

"Fucking hell Abby." Jess shook her head. "Fine! I suppose I've got to go and save the world now then."

"Good answer." the Vicar said and it was his turn to clap Jess on the shoulder. She looked less than pleased.

"So where the fuck are we going?" she asked as she followed the Vicar out of the bathroom and down the stairs.

"To the tomb of your friend's great ancestor." the Vicar told her.

"Again I ask," Jess began in exasperation. "why is that in England when he is from Japan?"


	10. 9 - The Court Of The Vampire King

**This is where the plot splits off in two and starts to make even less sense than it did already haha anyway I hope you enjoy it**

"Brothers," Rei began looking around at the cluster of vampires that had gathered. They were standing in a small clearing in, what looked like, a graveyard. Rei standing at the front behind two slightly raised tombs. Izumi and Abby were tied to one each with Rei in the middle of them. "a moment that his infested our dreams and our desires for what seems like an eternity is finally upon us."

"This doesn't sound good." Izumi muttered.

"For this night," Rei continued. "the last of the Baron's bloodline shall fall and our King shall rise again."

"The Vampire King?" Izumi asked. Rei glared down at him. "Sorry." he said. "Carry on."

"So his blood mixed with the blood of one who has never known the touch of a woman – even if they are a woman – will bring him back?" Abby asked. Rei chuckled and gave her hair a gentle stroke.

"You know a lot, pretty one," he stated. "and normally that would be the case but as my dear Izumi is a virgin killing you is just an added bonus."

"Wonderful..." Abby muttered.

"Soon it will begin." Rei stated turning to the vampires again.

"I've heard of the Vampire King and the prophecy but I've never heard of you." Abby told him. "Obviously you're not evil enough to even make the history books. Who are you anyway?"

"He's my butler." Izumi told her.

"You have a butler?"

"Sort of." Izumi replied.

"Well," Rei cut their conversation short, the irritation clear in his voice. "soon our King will know of you. And with his resurrection this land will be ensnared forever in the dawn of the Red Moon."

"Shit." Izumi muttered.

"These are your final moments on earth Izumi." Rei smirked. "Any last words?"

"Fan fucking tastic..." Izumi groaned.

* * *

"This is the final resting place of the Baron and your friend's great ancestor." the Vicar said as he pushed open the gates to a private graveyard and mausoleum.

"I'm am still so confused by this." Jess muttered.

"I understand that it is a lot to take in in a single night." the Vicar stated.

"I really don't think you do." Jess replied. She sighed, she really couldn't be bothered to explain the numerous plot-holes in this man's story and just might as well go along with it. "So Izumi's the reason I've ended up in this shit-hole?"

"He is our salvation and our only hope." the Vicar replied as he pulled ivy leaves and vines off the largest tomb Jess could see. "The prophesy foretold of when the last of the Baron's bloodline would return. When his blood mixed with the blood of one who has never known the touch of a woman then the Vampire King will be resurrected and walk this earth once more."

"Oh!" Jess exclaimed. "I'm alright then."

"What?"

"You said one who has never known the touch of a woman."

"It can still be a woman." the Vicar told her.

"I'm still alright then." Jess replied. The Vicar stared at her for a minute before shaking his head and continuing.

"Concealed within this tomb is the weapon that can slay the beast forever: The Sword of Daeldo." he told her.

"And what, in the name of all that is holy, is that?" Jess asked.

"Daeldo, the god of lust." the Vicar explained. "Said to be the Vampire King's arch demonic foe in the underworld of Hades. A hideous multi-tentacled beast."

"Seen enough hentai to know where this is going." Jess grinned.

"What?"

"Nothing." she shook her head. "Carry on."

"Daeldo was the only beast brave enough to have tried to penetrate the Vampire King's vilest depths and paid for it with his life." the Vicar finished.

"Let me get this straight," Jess said, processing what the Vicar had just told her. "your plan is to wait for this dick to be resurrected, stake him with the sword, of what sounded like Dildo, thus rescuing my friend, curing your son, ending the curse and saving the planet?"

"Exactly." the Vicar replied. "So are you with me?"

"Not really but I haven't got much fucking choice, have I?" Jess replied. The Vicar opened his mouth to say something but a bell began to toll from the church clock tower. He handed Jess the crowbar he had been carrying.

"You do this." he told her. "I need to go and check on my Richard."

"What?" Jess spluttered. "Now I've got to go and unearth a corpse?"

"Concealed within this tomb is..." the Vicar began but Jess waved him off.

"Yeah yeah alright, spare me the monologues." she said as she jammed the crowbar underneath the tomb's stone cover and thrust all her weight into it. "This is officially the worst holiday ever!"


	11. 10 - Grave Misdemeanour's

**Hurray for all over the place plot - I haven't done this for ages, hope you enjoy**

"So there's a Red Moon, right?" Izumi asked Abby once they were alone.

"Forget about the Red Moon!" Abby replied. "He said the last of the Baron's bloodline will fall."

"Which is apparently me then." Izumi muttered. "Fantastic. This just really is the icing on the cake of a very shitty day."

"Shut up." Abby said. "I'm thinking."

"What could you possibly be thinking about at a time like this?" Izumi asked in exasperation.

"How we're going to escape." Abby replied.

"Wonderful." Izumi exclaimed. "Any ideas?"

"No, have you?"

"Not a fucking clue."

"Come on, think!" Abby cried.

"I'm sorry," Izumi replied sarcastically. "I'm too busy shitting myself at the prospect of being sacrificed and turned into a vampire to come up with a daring escape plan." Abby chuckled. "What could possibly be so funny right now."

"You're cute." she said. Izumi blushed and turned to look the other way.

* * *

Meanwhile in the Baron's crypt Jess was still having trouble trying to prise her way into the tomb. She heard the sound of footfalls on gravel and turned to see the Vicar walking back across the graveyard towards her.

"Vic, we're doomed." she told him. "That ain't opening."

"Move." the Vicar said, pushing her out of the way. He took the crowbar, shoved it into the slight gap between the tomb and its lid and gave it a hard push. The top of the tomb broke free and slid to the side, hissing as it did so, giving the Vicar enough leverage to heave it off and onto the floor. He turned to Jess.

"In my defence I only tried that side." she stated. The Vicar rolled his eyes.

"You go down there." he told her pulling a torch out of his pocket and handing it to her. Jess stared a him for a minute.

"Excuse me?"

"Hurry up," the Vicar urged. "there's no time to waste."

"You go down then." Jess snapped. The Vicar raised an eyebrow at her. Jess shook her head and grabbed the torch. "Unbelievable! It's not my son." She climbed over the top of the tomb and wriggled down inside it. It was dark and dank and she had to remind herself to avoid looking out for spiders or skeletons because if she saw one she was pretty sure that she was going to freak out. She shone the torch on the ground when she reached the bottom.

"Can you see the sword?" the Vicar asked from above her.

"Can you give me a minute, please." she snapped back. "Surprisingly this is my first time grave robbing." She turned her attention back to what was in front of her and the beam from her torch glinted on something metallic. She moved in for a closer look and found a suit of armour, complete with skeleton inside. The skeleton was clutching a giant sword to its chest. With one hand so she didn't drop the torch Jess reached over and prized each one of the skeleton's hand from the hilt of the sword. Once it was free she picked it up and shone the torch on it so that she could examine it better. She burst out laughing.

"What?" the Vicar asked worriedly. "What is it?"

"It's nothing." Jess replied trying to compose herself but failing miserably dissolving into giggles again.

"What is so funny in there?" the Vicar asked and it sounded as if he was getting rather annoyed. Jess returned to the opening of the tomb so that she could grin up at him.

"It's got a big metal cock for a handle!" she exclaimed through her laughter, holding the sword up for the Vicar to see.

"Oh grow up!" the Vicar snapped. "That handle draws on the power of the demon Daeldo, rendering this blade alone capable of destroying the Vampire King once and for all."

"How does that work?"

"It just does, ok." the Vicar snapped.

"You've been saying that a lot tonight with still very little explanation." Jess retorted.

"You need to have more faith." the Vicar said as she climbed out of the tomb, using the sword as leverage.

"Here is what is going to happen," Jess told him. "we're going to go there and we're going to die, right? All because you insist some sword, with a metal cock on the end, can save the world?

"You're a disgrace." the Vicar said, shaking his head.

"At least I can see the funny side." Jess replied. The Vicar rolled his eyes and began to walk away. "Will you just admit that it looks like a cock?" she called after him.

* * *

"Hey Izumi," Abby began tentatively. "can I tell you something?"

"Have you come up with a plan to get us out of here?" he asked.

"No I'm still working on that."

"I think we're running out of time on that front then." he stated.

"Well," Abby began. "I just wanted to say that had we met under different circumstances I would've liked to have gotten to know you a little better."

"Really?"

"Yes." she replied. "In fact, I would have maybe like to have asked you out on a date. I know it's a bit forward but..."

"Well that's just fucking great!" Izumi cut her off. Abby looked a little hurt.

"I didn't mean to upset you." she said. Izumi sighed.

"You didn't, it's just..." He paused trying to work out what to say. "On the brink of death you say that?"

"I didn't want to die without letting you know." Abby stated.

"They're not going to kill you." Izumi reassured her.

"They're definitely going to kill me." Abby stated as Rei came back over to the two of them.

"It is time." he stated.

* * *

The Vicar had gone to retrieve a supply of weapons from the vicarage while Jess waited outside. She had been examining the 'cock sword' ever since she had brought it out of the tomb and into slightly better light. It really, really looked like a cock. She was amazed that the Vicar didn't see it, although that was probably because he was refusing to see it. She gave it a few experimental swings. It was surprisingly light for something so huge and metallic and she found that she was enjoying it a great deal then she swung it, turning to find someone watching her.

"Oh hello." she said, a little embarrassed. "I... I was just... practising..." she added. The boy who had been watching her took a step closer, into the light from a nearby lamp and she realised that it was Richard, the Vicar's son, but there was something a little different about him. "You probably shouldn't be out here on a night like this." she told him.

"I know." he replied walking towards her. There was a slight sway in his hips and something in his eyes that looked like hunger.

"So, it's your birthday?" Jess asked trying to keep the conversation light.

"Today." Richard replied. "I'm all grown up."

"Eighteen." Jess said as if reminding him. He was very close to her now, his face merely inches away from hers. This was getting creepier and borderline illegal by the second.

"But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway." Richard said suddenly drawing back and turning away from her.

"Thank god." Jess muttered and began to relax. That could have ended badly. What Jess didn't expect was for Richard to turn round, snarling and bearing his fangs at her. Reacting on instinct she screamed and thrust the sword into Richard's chest. He stopped, looked down at it, before he exploded into glitter and semen. Jess heaved a sigh of relief.

"Jess!" the Vicar called as he closed the door of the vicarage. "Ready?"

"Yep." Jess replied shortly as if nothing strange had just happened, moving the blade out of the light to hide the glittering semen that covered it.

"We have little time." the Vicar stated as he handed Jess a couple of wooden stakes as a precaution. "My Richard will soon be taken." Jess opened her mouth to say something but thought better of it and closed it again.


	12. 11 - The Rise Of The Vampire King

**So this is where the plot and POVs go all over the place and then merge together hahaha this is not a technique I ever use to this extent so I apologise for that but at the same time I apologise for nothing hahahaha ...I'm very tired, hope you enjoy :D**

"I love seeing the fear in your eyes." Rei said softly as he stroked Izumi's face. "It's so beautiful. You will make a fine sacrifice and a fine specimen once my King has had his way with you." He turned to Abby. "And as for you, my dear, I will let him feed on your flesh while it is still warm in your veins."

"That's not how flesh works," she stated. "but ok."

"How can you be making jokes about this?" Izumi asked.

"Easily." Abby replied. "It's distracting me from the fact that I'm going to die very shortly and it's going to be very painful."

"Good point." Izumi nodded. "Distractions sound like a good idea right about now... or rescue."

* * *

"Look," the Vicar said pointing up into the sky at the moon as it began to turn a sickly red colour. "the moon bleeds. The resurrection has begun."

"Wonderful." Jess replied.

"Here." the Vicar said handing her a bottle of clear liquid.

"What is it?" Jess asked. She figured it was probably best to ask before she cracked it open and drank it.

"Holy Water." the Vicar replied. "It's like a fucking hand grenade of acid."

"You said 'fucking' again." Jess pointed out.

"So?"

"It's weird."

"Get over it." the Vicar told her.

* * *

"Oh my god!" Izumi cried.

"What?" Abby asked.

"That's it!"

"What's it?"

"I think I know how we're going to get out of this!" he cried triumphantly.

* * *

"There is no need to panic, my friend," the Vicar stated. "I am well verse in the knowledge of killing vampires."

"So is everyone." Jess pointed out. "Stakes, garlic, beheading, Holy Water, sunlight... there isn't a fucker alive who doesn't know that."

"Really?" the Vicar asked. Jess nodded.

"It's in books, films... it's pretty common knowledge to be perfectly honest." she stated. The Vicar continued to look perplexed. "Maybe you should try watching TV at some point."

* * *

"So what's your master plan?" Abby asked.

"We wait to be rescued." Izumi stated.

"That's not a plan!" Abby shouted. "Oh my god we're going to die."

* * *

"This is where the resurrection is happening." the Vicar stated as they reached a large pair of gates. "It the crypt of the Vampire King."

"I knew you were going to say that." Jess said. "it's never going to be somewhere un-scary sounding, is it? Like a garden or scullery?"

"'Scullery' is quite scary sounding." the Vicar pointed out. Jess raised a confused eyebrow at him. "It's got the word 'skull' in it."

"As opposed to a crypt, which has corpses in it." Jess replied sarcastically.

"Remember," the Vicar said attempting to gloss that over. "they can die quickly, they can die slowly but either way they have to die."

"Can't we just do this in the morning?" Jess asked. "It would be much easier."

"It may be too late for your friends and it will be too late for my Richard." the Vicar stated.

"Um..." Jess began but then thought better of it.

"Well this is it." the Vicar stated placing a hand on Jess' shoulder. "Good luck. Let's try to come back alive."

"Vic..." Jess began returning the gesture. "if I don't make it out of this there's one thing I want you to know: I blame you for this entirely."

* * *

"So is this how your bloodline is going to end?" Rei asked stroking Izumi's face again having just cut a deep line down one of his wrists. "Begging for your life?"

"Don't give him the satisfaction." Abby said. Rei laughed.

"But he will." he mused running his thumb over Izumi's bottom lip. "No matter whether it's begging for his life or joining us, he will."

"Abby," Izumi began as Rei cut a deep line down one of her wrists as well. "I just want you to know..." He wasn't quite sure what he was planning on saying but he felt that he should say something under the circumstances, anything would do. It was at that moment, however, that he chose to look up and a grin spread across his face. "We have an escape plan!"

"What?"

"Jess will save us." Izumi cried happily.

"Jess?" Abby asked in exasperation. "She's fucking useless! We're so dead."

"Oi, you cheeky bitch!" Jess cried. The sound of her voice was like music to Abby and Izumi's ears. Abby looked up and saw that Jess was, indeed, standing in front of them with the Vicar they had met in the pub earlier.

"Jess!" she shouted happily.

"Although to be fair if I could have avoided being here I would have done." she shrugged. "Right! Let's have it." She drew one of the stakes out of her pocket and threw it at the nearest vampire. She missed, hitting a tree. The stake bounced off and clattered to the floor. Abby and Izumi groaned.

"I told you she was fucking useless." she muttered.

"Ok plan B." Jess said. She pulled out a number of the condoms Abby had bought with her, having filled them with Holy Water before entering the crypt. "Water bomb fight! You Bum-Bandits fancy a piece of me? Come on!"

"Kill them." Rei snarled and the rest of the vampires lunged for Jess and the Vicar.

"Oh shit!" Jess muttered.

"Hold fast." the Vicar told her as if he could read her thoughts about running away. "Your friend's blood has already been drawn. The resurrection has began."

"We gotta get out of here then!" she shouted as she began to fight off some of the vampires as best she could with another stake she had been keeping in her jacket.

"We can't. Darkness is upon us." the Vicar stated pulling out a couple of stakes and doing the same. "Your friends, my Richard...

"I reckon I can probably live with that." Jess replied.

"...And the entire fucking world!" the Vicar finished.

"You really know how to put a guilt trip on, don't you, you fucker?" Jess muttered shaking her head as she rammed her stake into the chest of the nearest vampire causing it to explode. "Right, let's do this!"

"Everything is going to be ok!" Izumi said in an attempt to sound reassuring even though he was beginning to feel a little light headed. He cast a glance down and saw that his blood and Abby's bloody was starting to mix together in the stone trough underneath where they lay so it probably wouldn't be long before the Vampire King arose.

"How can this be ok?" Abby asked as the weight of their situation hit her. "All I wanted to do was enjoy my holiday; do some hiking, get some research done, but no. Nothing's as simple as that and now we're going to end up dead. Well" she added after a pause. "I'm going to end up dead – you'll be a yaoi vampire." Izumi opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by Jess appearing beside them.

"Hey guys." she grinned as she began undoing the ropes tying them.

"Jess!" Izumi cried happily.

"How have you guys been doing?" she asked as she helped Izumi slowly to a sitting position before rushing to untie Abby.

"You know," Abby replied as Jess helped her up. "up an down."

"Same really." Jess agreed. There was a loud cracking sound, like lightning except that it came from the stone trough Abby and Izumi had just been lying above. All three of them looked down to see Abby and Izumi's blood mixing together, bubbling and sending off sparks.

"I'm guessing that means we're too late." Izumi cried over the noise as a huge gust of wind began to pick up around them. At that moment the Vicar appeared next to them.

"There is only one solution now." he told them.

"The big cock sword?" Jess asked.

"The what?" Abby asked in return.

"Long story." Jess replied. "I'll tell you later."

"Hand me the sword of Daeldo." the Vicar said as a fork of lightning split the sky and hit the ground mere metres from where they were all standing. Jess looked at him incredulously and then down at herself.

"And where exactly do you think I've been keeping it?" she asked. "I thought you had it! You're the one who keeps doing on about how important it is!"

"Sorry," Abby said trying to get her head around what was happening. "can one of you please explain what the fuck is going on?"

"All we've got to do is wait for this dick to rise and stab him with a giant metal cock sword from the grave of his ancestor." Jess explained nodding in Izumi's direction.

"And you forgot the sword?!" Abby cried.

"You go and get it." the Vicar said. "I'll hold them off."

"There's too many of them." Izumi said.

"I must." the Vicar replied. "If I don't make it, tell Richard I love him."

"Yeah about Richard..." Jess began, thinking that she should probably come clean about that now, in case they all didn't make it.

"Just go!" the Vicar shouted before lunging himself at the advancing vampire. "Prepare for fucking death!"

"He just said fucking." Abby stated pointing after the Vicar.

"He keeps doing it, it's weird." Jess stated. "Now come on you silly fuckers." She grabbed both Abby's and Izumi's hands and began to pull them out of the graveyard. She knew exactly where the sword would be – hopefully (unless the vampires had gotten to it) lying on the back seat of the car the Vicar had drove them over there in.

Just as they reached the gate and were about to escape there was a loud boom, like the rumbling of thunder, from behind them. All three of them turned to see a bright light glowing from the stone trough Abby and Izumi's blood had mixed in. The light grew bright and brighter until they all had to shield their eyes. The light began to dim slightly, revealing the outline of a tall, slender man standing just above the trough. The light began to fade away revealing the Vampire King in all his glory and it was only when it had disappeared completely and his eyes had readjusted that Izumi blanched.

"Shougo!?"


	13. 12 - Saving The World

**Oh my god final battle! Insanity born of Dissertation overwork, hope you enjoy :D**

"Yes!" Rei cried triumphantly. "My master and King has risen again." He bowed down on bended knee in front of him.

"Hang on, I am so confused as to how this Ancient Vampire King who is supposed to have been dead for centuries and alive for even longer is my older brother!" Izumi cried.

"I understand that this is a stretch for you Izumi..." Shougo said.

"I don't think you do." Izumi replied.

"Then think of this as me how I always should have been." Shougo smirked as he placed his hand on the back of Rei's head and brought him to his feet before pulling him into a passionate kiss.

"Ok that's really quite hot." Jess stated staring open mouthed.

"Probably shouldn't be as they're going to kill us all soon." Abby commented even though she couldn't take her eyes off the scene in front of her.

"Yeah we should leave while they're distracted." Jess said. She and Abby slowly turned so as not to draw attention to themselves and began to leave the crypt. Once they were beyond the gates Abby looked over her shoulder and saw Izumi still standing transfixed.

"Izumi," she hissed. "come on."

"What?" he asked turning to see that Jess and Abby were no longer right next to him. The sound of his voice had brought Rei and Shougo back to their surroundings as well. Rei smirked and darted for the gates. His speed was inhuman and before Izumi had the chance to reach Abby and Jess he had slammed the gates closed, locking Izumi inside with him.

"It's playtime Izumi." he said and grabbed the back of Izumi's hair and pulled. Izumi struggled to fight him off but he was so weak in comparison and from losing blood. Rei laughed heartlessly. "You honestly think your strength could even begin to match mine."

"Fuck you." Izumi snarled. Rei laughed again.

"You are a feisty one, I like it." he said. He pulled Izumi's head to the side, exposing his neck, and ran his tongue up it. "You taste divine. First I'm going to torture you and then I'm going to turn you. You'll be my little plaything."

"Fuck you." Izumi hissed again. "Abby! Jess!" he shouted. "Please help me!"

"We need to get in there!" Abby cried as Jess pulled and pushed on the gates trying to make them move.

"Gate won't budge." she said shaking her head.

"Let's ram it with the car." Abby said. Jess grinned.

"Yes!" she cried with delight. She and Abby ran over to the car. When they got there Abby held out her hand.

"Keys?"

"Vicar's got them." Jess replied.

"What?"

"You know how to hot-wire a hearse?" Jess asked

"Yeah," Abby replied sarcastically. "no worries."

"Brilliant," Jess said not recognising her tone. "let's go." She grabbed a rock and smashed in one of the front windows so they could get into the car. She stuck her arm through the broken window and unlocked it from the inside. She opened the door and gestured for Abby to get in.

"Of course I don't know how to hot-wire a hearse you idiot!" Abby snapped.

"Shit!" she sighed.

"Well that's it then." Abby sighed and leaned against the side of the car.

"The problem with you, my friend, is you are a pessimist." Jess stated as she opened the back seat door and grabbed the sword. "You might want to grab some weapons because this ain't over till we're all dead." She put the sword on the roof as she grabbed a couple of stakes and filled her pockets with more Holy Water filled condoms.

"That sword's got a cock for a handle." Abby stated as Jess handed her a number of the condoms.

"It's funny, isn't it." Jess grinned. "It's the only thing that'll destroy Izumi's psycho big brother. It's very powerful and very ancient."

"It's kind of gay." Abby stated. Jess scowled at her and grabbed the sword from the roof.

"So get your own fucking sword then." she snapped and made her way back over to the gate, Abby close behind. "Izumi!"

"We're here!" Abby called. They peered through the bars of the gate and were shocked by what they saw. "I think we may be too late." Abby said. They both watched as Izumi sensually ran his hand up Rei's chest and around his neck. Rei chuckled softly.

"I knew you would not resist me forever." he smirked. He threaded his fingers through Izumi's hair and pulled him into a passionate kiss Izumi's other hand wound around Rei's neck and when he pulled back from the kiss Abby and Jess could just about make out glint of silver in the moonlight now stretching around Rei's neck and they both realised it was the necklace Izumi had been wearing.

"Sorry," Izumi stated shaking his head as if he actually was. "you're not my type." Before Rei had the chance to react Izumi pulled the necklace tight around Rei's neck and held it there, using ever ounce of strength he possessed. Rei chocked, clawing at the necklace in an attempt to get it off but Izumi held it fast until it was cutting into Rei's skin. Thick, white liquid began to seep out of the cut and with one last push of strength Izumi managed to force the chain all the way back through Rei's neck, removing his head from his body.

Izumi fell to the floor, still clutching the chain, as Rei's body began to tremble and shake violently. He scrambled away to what he hoped was a safe distance before calling out to the two girls.

"Get away from the gate!" he cried. Jess and Abby barely had time to dive out of the way before Rei's body exploded sending thick white liquid everywhere. The force of the explosion was enough to blow the gates clean off their hinges and allow Abby and Jess back into the crypt.

"Oh my god that was so cool." Jess cried helping Izumi to his feet.

"Bit of an extravagant explosion for what just happened though." Abby remarked.

"Is it over now?" Izumi asked. At that moment Shougo appeared glaring at the three of them.

"Not quite." Abby replied.

"Which one of you dared to take the life of my precious Rei?" he snarled.

"That would be him." Jess stated gesturing to Izumi. Shougo rounded on Izumi.

"Then I shall turn you in order to replace him." Shougo said and hurled himself at Izumi, however this time Izumi was ready. He dived out of the way before Shougo could catch him.

"You hold him off." he told Abby and Jess. "I'll find a way to stop him."

"Get the cock sword." Jess cried as Shougo grabbed hold of her hair in one hand and Abby's in the other. He lifted Abby up so that her face was level with his.

"Once you two are gone I will turn Izumi and then there will be nothing to stop me from turning every man in this world into a yaoi vampire. Then the human race shall fall and I shall reign supreme!"

"Not if I can help it!" Izumi shouted. He picked up the sword from where it lay on the floor and took hold of the hilt with both hands. Shougo's eyes widened.

"The sword of Daeldo!" he cried in panic.

"Stab him like you mean it!" Jess cried.

"Come on Izumi!" Abby added. Izumi took a deep breath, tightened his grip on the sword and with a loud cry he ran towards Shougo and plunged the sword deep into his chest. He gave it a twist for good measure before letting go of it. Shougo released his hold on Jess and Abby and took hold of the hilt of the sword, trying to pull it out. The sword wouldn't budge. He looked up at them in terror, realising that his end was near.

He began to shake violently, more violently than any of the other vampires had done. Izumi, Abby and Jess ran, trying to put as much distance as they could between themselves and Shougo. Finally they all dived behind a raised tomb to hide just in time, closing their eyes tightly or covering their ears, as an exploded sounded from behind them. A cascade of thick, white, glittering semen washed over their hiding place to splatter against the floor, the trees and the iron bars of the surrounding fence.

When it seemed as if it might be safe to look first Izumi, followed by both Abby and Jess, peered over the top of the tomb to see what had happened. There was no sign of Shougo anywhere; all there was was the sword lying in the middle of the clearing where he had been standing and copious amounts of glittering semen splattered around everywhere. Izumi looked at the girls and the three of them began to laugh.

"Un- fucking- believable!" Jess cried happily.

"I did it!" Izumi cried in kind. "I killed the Vampire King... who also happened to be my brother... I think I'm going to throw up..." Abby clapped him on the shoulder.

"It's probably best that you remember him the way he was." she said. "A complete fucking psycho."

"Probably right." Izumi replied. The three of them laughed again and in the distance they heard a cockerel crowing to signify the dawn of a new day.


	14. Epilogue - A Brand New Calling

**Well here is the epilogue for the fallout of the previous chapter. This was so much fun for me to do while crying over my dissertation. Huge thanks to Dances With Seatbelts for all the reviews - you have no idea how much that has meant to me 3 - thank you for reading and I really hope you have enjoyed this insanity**

The sun was just peaking over the horizon, beginning to flood the crypt in warm light as Abby picked up the fallen sword and examined it in the light. It still amused both her and Jess greatly that this all powerful and all mighty sword had a large metal cock for its hilt. She rested it against the tomb Jess and Izumi were sitting on.

"That felt like the shortest night ever." Jess remarked as the sun reached over the trees to flood them in even more light.

"Just a little." Izumi agreed.

"That sword of Daeldo really is a mighty weapon." Abby stated as she hopped onto the tomb herself. "How much do you think we'd get for it on eBay?"

"It's handle is a dildo." Jess stated. "We'd get a lot for it."

"This is true." Abby replied.

"Looks like the Vic was right then." Jess remarked.

"Hang on," Izumi cut in. "everyone seems to know what's going on bar me. What just happened?" Jess waved him off.

"It's all cock swords and scary stuff and history and all that. I'll tell you later." she said.

"Tell me now." Izumi said.

"I will." Jess replied.

"When?"

"Mate, do you want to calm down?" she asked. "I've had a bit of a busy night. I'll tell you in a minute."

"I'll tell you." Abby said rolling her eyes at Jess. She opened her mouth to speak but the sight of the vampires that they hadn't managed to kill coming towards them cut her off.

"Oh fuck!" Jess groaned. "Not again."

"No look. They're in the sunlight." Izumi pointed out.

"The curse must have lifted." Abby stated.

"So they're not vampires anymore?" Jess asked.

"No." Abby grinned.

"Cool." Jess nodded. "Are they still gay?" It was almost as if they had been waiting on cue for this question for as soon as the words were out of Jess' mouth a number of the men began kissing and touching each other.

"Yep." Abby replied.

"For fuck's sake." Jess grumbled and left the crypt, making her way back to the car. Abby and Izumi followed her. "Unbelievable; save the day, not even a kiss." She threw her arms up in the air. "You know what forget it."

"Let it go girl." Abby laughed putting an arm around her shoulder. Jess stuffed her hands into her jacket pocket in annoyance. She felt something jingle in there and slowly pulled out the keys to the car.

"Found the car keys." she said sheepishly, holding them up for Abby to see.

"I will end you one of these days." Abby stated.

"Hey at least we can get the car started now." Jess grinned trying to make Abby stop glaring at her. Abby just shook her head and went to get into the passenger seat. Izumi climbed in the back as Jess put the keys in the ignition and started the engine.

"So now what do we do?" Izumi asked thinking that now that both Rei and Shougo were dead his plans had been derailed somewhat.

"Go home?" Jess offered.

"We can't go home!" Abby protested.

"Why not?" Jess asked.

"Because we just saved the world from the legendary Vampire King; they killed everyone we met, they very nearly took our lives and we never even dreamed they actually existed before tonight. How can we possibly just go home?" she asked.

"What are you talking about?" Izumi asked although he had a feeling he knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Well this village is free," Abby stated. "but there are more creatures like the Vampire King lurking in dark corners of the world."

"No one will believe us if we tell them." Jess pointed out.

"Exactly." Abby stated. "We are the only people who know the truth. We must go out there and fight this menace."

"Are you suggesting we become Yaoi Vampire Killers?" Jess asked sceptically.

"If that's what it takes." Abby said. Jess sighed.

"Well I haven't got anything else on in particular at this moment in time," she said. "so alright, fuck it, I'm in."

"Izumi?" Abby asked turning round to face him.

"I don't know." he replied. He probably should go home and explain what had happened to his parents before they got too confused.

"Oh come on." Jess said grinning at him in the rear view mirror. "It's in your blood, your destiny and all that shit."

"What?" Izumi asked.

"I'll tell you later." Jess waved him off. Izumi shook his head in exasperation.

"Come on," Abby grinned. "you might as well join us."

"How many more times am I going to hear that in twenty-four hours? Izumi asked.

"It will be entertaining at the very least." Jess grinned. Izumi sighed.

"Fine." he said, a grin spreading across his face. "Yaoi Vampire Killers it is then."

"Yes!" Jess whooped.

"That's what I'm talking about." Abby cried happily. Izumi laughed, shaking his head and turned to look out of the window. As he did the figure of someone he recognised caught his eye and he gasped.

"Stop the car!" he cried. Jess slammed the breaks on.

"Why?" she asked but Izumi had already opened the door and was charging into the forest towards the figure.

"Izumi?" the figured asked in confusion when he reached them.

"Royuma!" Izumi cried happily, flinging his arms around his neck. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I came looking for you." Royuma replied. "I was tracking the signal from your cell phone and I wound up here. There were vampires everywhere and I saw Rei and Shougo."

"Yeah it's been a long night." Izumi replied. "I don't quite know the full story myself but hopefully the girls will explain it soon."

"Girls?" Royuma asked, confused as Izumi took hold of his hand and dragged him back towards the car.

"Jess and Abby." Izumi told him. "They're fun."

"Ok Royuma replied. "Also while I was looking for you in the woods, this wolf attacked me." He lifted up the sleeve of his jacket to reveal three deep gashes along his forearm. Izumi stared at the cuts for a moment and then stared up at Royuma. Beforehand he would have thought nothing of it but now, knowing what he knew, he was less inclined to ignore it.

"We can fix that." he said as they reached the car.

"Izumi are you ok?" Jess asked.

"Yeah you just sort of went a bit nuts back there." Abby added.

"I'm fine." Izumi waved them off. "Abby, Jess I'd like you to meet Royuma. Royuma, these are my new friends." He introduced each of them and they all gave each other an awkward 'hello'.

"Who is Royuma?" Abby whispered to Izumi as both of them climbed into the car and Jess began to drive again. "And what is he doing in the middle of the woods?"

"Big gay werewolf." Izumi replied.

"Is that an answer to the first question or the second?" Abby asked.

"Yes." Izumi replied vowing to explain it properly too them later.

"Hey Izumi..." Royuma began.

"Yeah?" Izumi asked turning to him. As he did Royuma took hold of his chin and kissed him passionately. Izumi kissed back, forgetting for a moment that Jess and Abby were in the front of the car, or that he was in a car at all. After the night he had just had the only thing that mattered at that moment was Royuma.

"Told you he was gay." Jess stated.

"Good call." Abby replied.

"I should have bet money on it." Jess chastised herself.

"Hey," Abby grinned. "at least neither of us are getting bummed by a big gay werewolf." Jess looked at her, grinning like a loon, and the both of them began to laugh while Izumi and Royuma continued to kiss passionately in the back seat as they drove out of the forest and as far away from Cragwich as they possibly could.

The End


End file.
